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Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!” – “And what do you expect for the price – a ballet?!”

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about now is how to win her back.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? – Oh Harry, that would be lovely! –
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

Did anyone notice that the “&” symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

Two men talking on a bus: “I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
– “Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

What is grey and can’t fly?
A fat pigeon

Doctor: You’re obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

Policeman: ” I’m very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus. ”
Man: ” I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality. ”