Tag: joke

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. – “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. – “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. – “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” – The man sighs, “my wife.”

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep. – Really? I have the exact opposite. – Wow, seriously? – Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

“Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café.
They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

“Have you got anything to drink?” “Water.” “I meant something harder?” “Ice.”

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.
Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was “Michael”.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
.. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
.. She still isn’t talking to me.

Who invented the round table?
Sir Cumference.

Can February March?
No, but April May can!

What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield!

Knock, knock …
» Who’s there?
« Wooden shoe.
» Wooden shoe who?
« Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought…
“That’s the last thing I need!”