Category: Funny

Dentist: “You need a crown.” – Patient: “Finally someone who understands me”

Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!” – “And what do you expect for the price – a ballet?!”

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about now is how to win her back.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? – Oh Harry, that would be lovely! –
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at this electrician thing.

Did anyone notice that the “&” symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?

Two men talking on a bus: “I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
– “Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

What is grey and can’t fly?
A fat pigeon

Doctor: You’re obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

Policeman: ” I’m very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus. ”
Man: ” I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality. ”

I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.
I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic,
but they refused and slammed the door on my face.
.. My parents are the worst.

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. – “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. – “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. – “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” – The man sighs, “my wife.”

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep. – Really? I have the exact opposite. – Wow, seriously? – Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

“Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to see so many new faces here today!”