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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese Was.

Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because it lifts their spirits.

My resolution is to read more …
… so I put the subtitles on where possible.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year …
… but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.