Category: Funny

What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?
Nothing. It just lets out a little wine!

My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

“Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

What do you do with chemists when they die?
Barium!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.

A mother asks her son, “Paul, would you say I’m pretty or ugly?”
– “A bit of both, actually,” replies the teenager.
– “How do you mean that?” asks the mother.
– “I’d say you’re pretty ugly.”

.. spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend’s bra.
I gave up at the end.
I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“

Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!

To be stung by a mosquito is surely not very pleasant nor spectacular. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” – “Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

A guy asks a woman, “Would you sleep with me for $100?“ – “Of course not!” replies the lady.
“Pity,” sighs the guy, “I could really use the money.”